Category Archives: Relationships

Why Does It Still Hurt When I’ve Forgiven?!?!

Forgiveness is  a choice not an emotion.

If someone owes you money, you can choose to hold the debt against them or choose to release them of the debt.

This is where we get the phrase “to forgive a debt”. To forgive is to no longer require them to pay what they owe.

This is your choice. Your feelings are not a necessary part of this decision.

So, why is it when you have forgiven someone, you still feel the sting in your heart? is it because you haven’t forgiven?

Why is it you still feel the pain?

I’ve forgiven, I shouldn’t feel anything against the person anymore, right?

Let me help you.

That feeling you feel is not the feeling of unforgiveness. You have already made the choice to forgive.

That feeling you feel is the pain of the hurt.

Let me illustrate this.

Let’s say someone pinches you on the hand. It hurts right?

Let’s say you forgive her. How long does the hurt last?

Surely, no more than an hour right?

So, you’ve forgiven her, the pain is a distant memory and you move on in life.

But, let’s say, someone takes a knife and stabs you in the stomach. And, thank God, you didn’t die.

You forgive him, but how long will you feel the pain of the wound?

Months maybe!

Do you think the scar will ever be gone?

Maybe never!

You may have forgiven the person who hurt you, but the pain of the hurt may stay with you for awhile. In fact, the scar of the hurt may never go away!

The same applies to your heart.

When someone wounds your heart, depending on the extent of the wound, it may take some time to heal.

Even if your heart heals, sometimes, the scar remains.

So, that pain you are still feeling in your heart is not unforgiveness.

If you have truly made a decision to forgive, you may just need some time to heal from the hurt.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Forgiveness is a decision that can be made in a moment but healing is a process that cannot be rushed.

If you are going through this right now, my prayer is that the love of God will help you through your hurts and pain.

Hang in there!

2 Things About Me

Hi! I’m David.

Before we go on, let me tell you 2 things about myself:

1. My brain seems to have lost the capacity to remember details about people especially names, faces and background.

Don’t ask me why but I can forget your name the moment after you tell me.

And the moment after you remind me.

Somehow, the neurons in my brain associated with names and faces has malfunctioned.

I am plagued by this constant question – Where have I seen this person before? Looks familiar…

Then I start to panic.

Is this a church member? My client? My ex-schoolmate? My former colleague? My relative?!?!! Help!!!

This is why I am grateful that my wife is not like me! She is my people recognition app. The problem is, I can’t bring her with me everywhere all the time.

I am hoping that Google Glass will have facial recognition capabilities.

Otherwise, please don’t get offended if I ask you, “Have we met before?“.

2. I have bad breath.

I have this cavity at the back of my mouth which the dentist says he can’t do anything about. It’s a gap between my last molar and a wisdom tooth that didn’t grow.

It is like a cave that provides safety for refugee food scraps.

Despite all effort to keep it clean, food does get stuck in there and emits a foul smell as it rots.

It’s just something I have to live with. And I guess, you have to live with too!

So, if you want to get upset with me if I forget that I know you and my breath stinks, I’m sorry. That’s just who I am.

So, here’s what you can do to help me:

  1. Remind me of your name when you meet me. Say, “Hi David! I am…..”.
  2. Pinch your nose and breathe through your mouth. It makes talking to me much more bearable.

If all else fails, just remember this.

I love you.

Even if I don’t know who you are.

Marrying For Love?

Did you know that marrying someone for love is a recent phenomenon?

It’s not that people in the past did not marry because of love. There were those who did.  It just wasn’t the norm. Love has not always been the main motivation for marriage.

Think about it. Western culture, especially American,  is the one strongly pushing the concept of marrying for love. And yet, the rising rate of divorce and broken relationships seems to suggest that this concept may not be working.

Are there better reasons to marry? Companionship? Procreation?Partnership? Productivity? Spiritual compatibility? Economic advancement?

Today, we expect our life partner to fulfill all our emotional, psychological and social needs. Is this expectation really reasonable? Are couples unhappy because of having the wrong expectations?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you should just accept it if you are in an unhappy marriage. I’m just wondering whether we are looking for happiness in the right place.

Disappointment is the result of unmet expectations

What do you expect from your marriage?